


Yet another Teaching Fic

by PhoenixOfAshes



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Background Relationships, Dyslexia, Edward Elric Swears, F/F, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Teaching, al needs more screen time, another goes to hogwarts fic, from me, ill add characters as they arive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:35:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23000056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixOfAshes/pseuds/PhoenixOfAshes
Summary: The Elrics go on an entirely original mission to Hogwarts. Oh what shenanigans. The chicanery. Please tell me what the plot is.
Relationships: Luna Lovegood/Ginny Weasley
Comments: 16
Kudos: 127





	1. A Train Ride and a Beginning

If you asked Edward Elric how much shit he was willing to deal with on a daily basis, the answer would be a metric tone. This is, in fact, not true, but the Amestrian military doesn’t’ care that much about if one is willing to deal with shit, in favour of if one can deal with said shit. 

This is how said Elric ended up on a train, Amestrian to English: A Complete Look at Lingual Differences propped up against a coffee cup and half a sandwich in his hand. He was comprising a list, it goes like this:

Reasons Edward Elric would make a god-awful teacher

1\. Never had a formal education, seriously, I dropped out at like 8 or whatever.   
2\. The best teacher I ever had left me on an island of a month. Do you want me to do that to the kids Mustang? Because I will.  
3\. Children are whiney and awful and I hate them  
4\. The only reason we are coming here is the library, and those are not the correct priorities of an educator  
5\. Magic????? Really?  
6\. I know you’ve already explained it, but I am a little hung up on the magic bit.  
7\. Seriously, do you want me to kill kids? Because I won’t, but its gonna get pretty damn close.  
8\. Out of all the bad ideas you have had, this is one of the worst.  
9\. I can not stress this enough, what is with the magic thing?

Ed read his list, reread it, then started painstakingly coping it into English, because fuck Mustang. 

If you had asked Alphonse Elric the exact same question about the shit and willingness to deal with it, you would get the same answer. The difference being in the politeness of the wording and that this time it was actually true. However, it was true in that slightly evil ominous way that made you consider whether you wanted Al to deal with any shit at all.

He was sitting opposite Ed, reading one of the textbooks they had been supplied and grimacing every now and then. Hogwarts, A History was beside him and Trish the Cat was lazily batting at the bookmark hanging from it. 

The silence between them was comfortable, tranquil, just two brothers reading on a train, most of their limbs intact, heading to a magic school to teach alchemy to a bunch of magic students. With magic. And also there’s a war going on. And magic is real. And they’re in a foreign country to keep an eye on a magic boy who’s important to the war for magic reasons. 

They exit the train with the rest of the students, and are joined on their carriage by a blonde girl with a blue tie. She’s reading a magazine upside down.

The ride is quiet, but before she leaves the carriage, she blinks owlishly at Ed, “You’re quite short for a teacher.”

Ed restrains himself, bearly. “How we teachers? Could be tall student, like you” 

The girl’s eyes flicker to his gloved automail hand, which was denting the wood slightly. “You don’t have the right aura to be a student. Exams attract Vumples you see, and they do havoc to one’s aura.”

She hops off the carriage and gives them a smile, “I look forward to your class, whatever it is.”

She leaves Ed fuming and Al smirking slightly, in a confused way. But they aren’t given enough time to ponder and/or worry about the girl before a harried-looking woman starts to usher them inside, talking all the while.

“So sorry we couldn’t send an escort to greet you at the train. I’m Profesor McGonagall, deputy headmistress here at Hogwarts. You are Edward and Alphonse Elric, yes?”

She barely gave them time to nod before continuing, leading them through a twisting maze of corridors as she did so, 

“The ministry didn’t give us that much warning for your arrival, and with everything that’s been going on, well, you understand. Now come, come, we can’t be late for the feast, you’ll be introduced to the students there, and then Dumbledore can debrief you after. No don’t worry about your bags, the house-elves will take them.” 

The feast was held in a huge hall, the ceiling of which appeared to mimic the night sky. McGonagall lead them to the head table, and they were sat between a hook-nosed man and a very pink woman, both of whom turned their nose up at Eds leather pants. Ed discreetly shot them the finger and decided leather was a huge step up from robes. Which they were wearing.

Throughout the ‘sorting’ Ed and Al whispered observations to each other in Amestiran, things like:

“Look at the sky!”

And

“Wow, that’s a lot of kids.”

As well as, 

“If you don’t eat I will actually smother you in your sleep.”

“What the hell is a Hufflepuff?”

And,

“A talking hat? Fucking magic.”

Then the talking ended, the students settled and the speeches started.


	2. Meetings, Mutterings, and Mistrust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Elrics go to one meeting. It will get more exciting I swear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: Thanks to Theodore_Writes for a quick grammar check. See? I do read the comments.

The speeches, Edward concluded, were boring. He was sure Mustang would have a field day with whatever bullshit the pink lady was sprouting, but Ed was unwilling to pick through his knowledge of the English language to dissect whatever the fuck she was saying. Al sat nodding politely, writing any phrases he didn’t understand in a little notebook. Fucking nerd. 

Ed was half coming up with more creative ways to say nerd, half-listening to ‘progress for progresses sake’ and half idly figuring out how to teach kids alchemy, he was smart enough to know that math didn’t add up, but hey, he was worth three halves. Al nudged him, “That’s the government official.” 

“What? The one in pink?”

“Yeah, she’s the defence teacher? According to the staff list anyway.”

“Huh, weird.”

“Your face is weird brother.”

He didn’t have time to form a reply, because the government official had stopped talking and was walking back towards them. Her smile was sickening, and Ed immediately got the feeling that she was either very dangerous, or she wanted to be very dangerous. He wished he had been given a little more time to practice English before arriving. Interrupting a headmasters speech was probably a power move of some sort. He’d ask Al later, he paid attention to people and how they were feeling. 

“Hem-hem?” 

That was absolutely not how real human people coughed. 

“I help you?”

It was the pink government official, she was smiling and leaning towards him. Edward leaned away slightly. 

“I don’t believe we have met.”

“No, we have not.”

Al better interrupt and save him soon, he was not paid enough for this.

“My name is Dolores Umbridge, Albus said you are Elric?”

“Yes, Edward Elric, this is my brother, Alphonse.”

Please Al, please say something 

“That’s an unusual accent, Elric, where did you say you were from?”

“I didn’t”

She was about to say something more, but Ed was a little distracted by the feast spontaneously appearing in front of them and turned to pile food onto Als plate, effectively shutting down the rather dry conversation.

Unfortunately for all parties involved, both Dolores and Edward found themselves in Dumbledores office only half an hour later. Ed was scowling. Umbridge was smiling. Dumbledores eyes were twinkling, Ed was pretty sure that might be a disorder of some sort. Or maybe more magic. Who could be sure at this point.

Once they were all seated, Ed, Al, Dumbledore, Umbridge and the witch they had met earlier, McGonagall, if Ed remembered correctly, all on slightly uncomfortable wooden chairs, Dumbledore started the meeting. His voice was soft, his body language slightly intimidating. 

“Now, as you are all aware, the Elric brothers are here as a favour from the Amestrian military. Alchemy is a subject that Hogwarts has not offered for many years, and it is truly an honnor for it to be reinstated by such masters as yourselves.”

Ed glanced at Al. Al glanced at Ed. This was not what they had been told the mission was. Dumbledores letter specifically mentioned a guy trying to kill a kid. They were both smart enough not to point this out. 

Umbridge hemed. “But Profesor, you must remember, the Elrics presence here was facilitated by the Ministry of Magic, and as Senior Under Secretary to the minister-”

“You are here as a professor Dolores.”

It was McGonagall who interrupted. Ed was starting to like her. “I’m sure the Elrics are perfectly aware of who they report to and what their duties are.”

The Elrics were not aware at all on who they currently owed their allegiance to. In fact, Ed was getting the same feeling he got when Mustang used him as a political pawn. He did not like it. Some very strongly worded letters were going to be written. Then probably edited to be mearly passive aggressively worded letters by Alphonse. 

The meeting continued. Not much was accomplished apart from the intense desire to be impaled by a long metal pole. Again. 

By the time they were finished, it was truly dark outside, McGonagall offered to show them to their chambers. 

“I apologise for wasting your time, we were not aware that Dolores would be… Observing.”

“Not at all!” Alphonse responded, his cane was the only constant noise in this castle, making rhythmic thumps on the stone. “I think we learnt a lot.”

“Nethertheless, it was not ideal.” She turned to face them. “Harry Potter is in real danger, I don’t know the specifics of how Albus got you here, but any help you can provide would be greatly appreciated. That includes knowing what Umbridge wants from you.”

“We’ll try our best ma’am.”

McGonagall smiled at that, then stopped, “This is your classroom, your rooms are in the back, any belongings you brought should already be there.”

Al thanked her, and the two of them walked into their new chambers. Ed immediately flopped onto one of the beds. 

“I just came here to read books. That’s all I wanted, to read some good, juicy, books. Why did Mustang not tell us this shit?”

“Maybe he didn’t know.”

“Oh he did know. He didn’t say anything because he enjoys watching me navigate weird political situations. He gets off on it, I know it.”

“Don’t be disgusting brother. Anyway, maybe it won’t be so bad. We’re just be teaching after all.”

Al had never been so wrong about anything in his whole life. Including the idea that resurrecting their mother would be a fun and easy thing to bond over.

But for now, as headmasters plot and government appointed professors also plot, we will let our Elrics sleep, because honestly, its been a hell of a day, and they deserve it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it, lads. One full month later. The plot is still a hazy bubble of tropes I like a lot, so ideas for that or directions you would like to see it go would be radical. Same with ships, currently keeping it romanceless, but I'm always open if there's a particular couple people want to see enough. whats the timeline you may ask? Fuck you. Al has his body because he deserves it. Ed has his automail because he's a bastard. Please be nice to me.


	3. Of being lost and lesbians

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay next time they will actually do their jobs. I promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JKR is a terf, BLM

“How about, ‘okay fuckos’?”

Al sighed, “Edward, you can not refer to your students as ‘fuckos’. It’s inappropriate.”

“Brats? Kiddies? Demon spawn?”

“How about you sit in the corner and scowl, while I teach the children?”

Ed paused for a moment, “Yah that works, breakfast?”

“Please.”

The two left their room and attempted to navigate their way to the Great Hall, Al vaguely remembered being given a map, then remembered Ed eating it because the stairs kept moving. He’d had to get more creative in the art of destruction after losing his alchemy, and figured feeding yourself whilst destroying the thing provided maximum efficiency.

“It’s this way, I swear it.”

“Brother, maybe we could…”

“No, I’ve got this Al, I can navigate a damn castle.”

“...Brother.”

“All we have to do is use the rising sun to calculate our position relative to-”

“Well, actually I thought we could just ask one of those students.”

Ed blinked at him then tucked a compass into his pocket. 

“Um, yah, right. We could do that. Totally.”

There were two girls walking arm in arm, chatting in hushed voices, Al was fairly sure he recognised one of them.

“Excuse me?”

They looked up, and Al smiled, it was the girl from the carriage, the one who had pissed Ed off so much. He couldn’t remember what her house was called, but he was fairly sure blue were the smart ones, which seemed a little insulting to everyone else. Her friend was in red, which he knew a little better, red was for Harry Potter. 

“You’re the teachers from the carriage. What wood is your cane made out of? Because oak has a malicious spirit.”

“Luna! You can’t just ask if someone’s cane is malicious.”

“People need to know these things, Ginny.”

Okay, Luna and Ginny, they were getting somewhere.

Ginny turned back to him and attempted to smile. It looked strained.

“Sorry about my girlfriend.”

“Parramore.”

“Absolutely not. Can we help you, professor?”

“I and brother were just looking for directions. To breakfast?”

“Understandable, this castle is huge. We were just on a hunt for Luna’s socks, but we could show you the way.”

Al shook his head, “No no. We do not want you to - um - delay. We can find own way if you are busy.”

“Nonsense, Luna will just have to keep stealing mine for a while. Come on, it’s this way.”

Ed, who had been hovering over Als shoulder the entire conversation, fell in step beside them.

“So… what happened to socks?”

“Socks don’t adhere to the same rules of reality as we do.”

“No, some arsehole Ravenclaws took them and when I find out who I’m going to-.”

Ginny broke off, seemingly realising she was talking to teachers.

“-I’m going to politely ask them to not to it again.”

Edward nodded solemnly. “With fists. Good, kick their butt.”

“Brother!”

“Um… kindly… with words.”

Before Alphonse could explain the responsibility of power, and fun things like that, the crowd around them thickened and they came to a large set of double doors. 

“Um, so this is it.” Ginny said.

Al smiled at her, “We thank you. Will you be in Alchemy class?”

“We will.”

Ed bent down so he was face to face with Ginny, it didn’t take much bending.

“Good, and remember, go for squishy bits. Like nose, or groin if you can not reach face.”

“You would know alot about not being able to reach things wouldn’t you brother?”

And just like that, all sense of authority was gone, as Ed attempted to both murder his brother and also keep his new and fragile body intact.

Ginny and Luna watched them leave.

“I think it’s spruce.”

“What?”

“The cane, it has a spruce feel to it.”

“Is spruce good?”

Luna nodded, lacing their hands together, “Spruce is a very exciting wood. Full of mischief”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as I love harry/ginny this kinda just happened. It cute tho.
> 
> If anyone has corrections of how 'broken' English should sound, I am happy to replace dialogue. 
> 
> I swear the next one will involve more then them walking through a corridor. 
> 
> rate and review and all that. be safe <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I am a sucker for FMA HP crossovers and there are not enough, so here i am. I am not bilingual and don't know much about it, so tips there would be nice. Any ideas on directions you would like to see this fic go would also be helpful, I am just one idiot and i need people to be nice to me. 
> 
> Ta ta.
> 
> -Phoenix
> 
> PS. Grammarly can only do so much, so help a dyslexic out?


End file.
